The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
canada goose deals Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don’t know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell’s Sam Fisher a well honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. canada goose deals
You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head to canada goose clearance sale toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving canada goose store with cat like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man’s neck with one savage cheap canada goose twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. You’re cheap Canada Goose walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young canada goose factory sale bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah’s Obi Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking canadian goose jacket the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them.
canada goose Christians are constantly asking for prayer buy canada goose jacket cheap in schools to help get today’s kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet cheap canada goose uk that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well behaved, polite canada goose black friday sale children, ever. It’s a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis. canada goose
Canada Goose sale Every year in Israel, divine bear attacks kill over 500 children. Canada Goose sale
cheap Canada Goose It should be pointed out that Canada Goose Coats On Sale even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20 21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha’s uk canada goose outlet bones, it sprang back to life. It’s unknown whether Elisha canada goose uk black friday had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re summoning the bears to kill them, again. He’d just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored. cheap Canada Goose
Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews’ former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, “Go on! Go back to those big cocked bastards! I hope you’re happy with their enormous dongs.”
canadian goose jacket The old Egyptians didn’t exactly run from their buy canada goose jacket reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that’s an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: “Gaze upon our dick tower and despair.” canadian goose jacket
canada goose clearance This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you’ve read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of Canada Goose sale the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses’ deadly intervention all the more justified. canada goose clearance
buy canada goose jacket cheap They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard. buy canada goose jacket cheap
Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn’t comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian.
Canada Goose Outlet After bypassing the tight security, Ehud continues to act like a Bruce Willis character by busting out a snappy one liner: “I have a message from God for you,” he declares shortly before whipping out his blade and shanking the evil, grotesquely obese King Eglon in the belly. Canada Goose Outlet
canada goose clearance sale Really, the only way to improve canada goose clearance on this would be by shoehorning an awful pun into it, such as “You should really cut down on your fat intake!” or “Looks like being king takes guts!” As he https://www.canadagoosepark.com leaves, Ehud shows he hasn’t forgotten his good manners by considerately shutting the door behind him. It doesn’t say if he went flying across rooftops Assassin’s Creed style, so we’re forced to assume he did. canada goose clearance sale
canada goose coats As bad as the delivery of that particular message from God went for Eglon, he got off lucky. At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 Canada Goose Jackets supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were uk canada goose wandering aimlessly in the desert. canada goose coats
Canada Goose Parka God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that “OM NOM NOM” sound, so scholars are forced to speculate. Canada Goose Parka
Canada Goose Jackets This really puts things in perspective for the anti religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious “intolerance” and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that’s a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc. Canada Goose Jackets
Canada Goose online Two verses later, God sends down a ball of fire and incinerates the other 250 rebels. You have to imagine there was a moment of tentative relief when the 250 rebels saw that they had not been swallowed up along with Korah. “Yeah,” they probably said. “Thank you! We were just about to bury that asshole ourselves! Fortunately, we all have learned the error of our rebellious ways and hey, canada goose what’s Canada Goose Parka that. AAARRRGGGHHH! FIRE!!” Canada Goose online
canada goose black friday sale This is Canada Goose online a man’s law, right here. When Conan became canada goose uk outlet king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. “Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK.” canada goose black friday sale
canada goose store The words in the Bible are actually Canada Goose Outlet those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add canada goose coats on sale the junk grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn’t make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men’s junk. canada goose store
canada goose coats on sale Now, you nervous, canada goose coats liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this: canada goose coats on sale.
